The Empty Apologies

1.

The yellow gas light lit up on Ashley’s console. 

She wasn’t surprised. She’d been waiting for it for some time. She'd been gauging gas stations on the highway, challenging her car to make it to the next stop every time one neared. Now, it was inevitable that she’d have to stop. The light was on, and that meant that she had 25 more miles before she was stuck – 30 if she was lucky.

Fortunately, she knew there would be another station in seven miles. Her stomach growled. How long had it been since she had eaten, four hours? Five? She told herself she’d get something to eat when she stopped as well. Food needed to be important now. 

As she neared the gas station, she reached to grab her purse from the passenger seat.

Her new car was so little that the stretch wasn’t a hard one, and didn’t even distract her from the road. Putting her purse in her lap, she signaled for her exit and pulled off of the highway. 

She thought about money as she parked next to a pump, looking at all the other cars around her. 

In front of her, she noticed a minivan. 

Watching through the back window, she saw two children in the back seat playfully wrestling with each other. Their father tapped on the window as he filled the gas tank up and reprimanded them for being rowdy. The mother in the front seat didn’t seem to mind, though. She turned and said something to the boys, smiling the entire time.

Ashley smiled, too. 

That was what a family was supposed to look like. 

She got out of her little car and slung her purse over her shoulder. It felt good to stand up. She’d spent the entire morning driving, and quickly realized how badly she needed to go to the bathroom. 

Putting her hands on the small of her back, she stretched, letting the sun wash over her. She started to feel the stiffness leave her body. She was still sore, but she reminded herself that this was a different type of soreness, and that her body would adapt again.

The van in front of her loaded up and started to pull out. She decided to get on with her business. 

Entering the gas station, she noticed how busy everything seemed. Today though, it didn’t bother her.

The noise, the crowd, everything seemed perfectly fine. She made her way to the restroom and then grabbed a Coke and snack on the way back towards the counter. There was a line of people in front of her at least six customers long, though somehow she didn’t mind that either. She had all the time in the world. 

“That be all for you today?” The clerk asked when it was her turn to take the front of the line.

“No, I need fifteen dollars on pump six as well, please.” She said, smiling. 

The young man behind the counter pushed a few buttons on his register and then said “Eighteen thirty two.” 

Ashley reached into her purse and retrieved her wallet. Opening it, she smiled as she took out a lonely twenty dollar bill. 

The clerk took her money and gave her change “Dollar sixty eight. Have a nice day.” 

Walking back to her car, she thought about the trip that lay in front of her. Money was going to be tight for a while, but she knew that ultimately everything would be fine. She pulled the gas pump from its cradle and waited for the counter to slow to a stop at fifteen dollars even. 

As Ashley returned the gas nozzle, she stretched again. Taking a drink, she decided it was time to head on. She got in her little yellow car, situated, turned the key, and left the gas station.

She had come so far already, but she still had a few miles to go.

2.

Ashley met Billy when she was sixteen years old. She had lucked into a job at a local grocery store, and he had been the first boy to ever catch her eye. 

He was handsome, but handsome in a way that made her think he had no idea how attractive he actually was. Three years her senior, Billy was tall and slender, with disarming bright blue eyes.

Ashley came from a slightly chaotic household. Her father drove trucks, and her mother was always gone at one part-time job or another. Her younger sister April was two years younger than she was, and more often than not, Ashley felt more like a mother to her than a sibling. 

Money was always scarce, and attention was even more so. She didn’t realize it when she was younger, but she had always liked it when she could tell she stood out to someone. She liked being noticed, no matter who was doing the noticing. 

It wasn’t until Billy’s third visit through Ashley’s line one weekend that she realized he was going out of his way to see her. Somehow, he always managed to pick her line even though it was the longest, and he never seemed to mind the wait. 

The weekend that Ashley noticed him, he had returned yet again for seemingly trivial things. She had seen him get in line five or six people back, even though the line next to hers had half the wait. 

As he inched closer to her, he never broke his gaze. She found herself flustered and struggled to keep her attention on the job at hand, though it was an exciting and invigorating feeling. By the time he reached the front of the line, she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. 

“Did you find everything you need?” she asked him, routinely. 

“Now I have.” he replied, with a calming confidence and warm smile. 

Ashley could feel herself blushing. 

Her hands trembling, she started to check out his few items. 

“What are you doing when you get off work tonight?” he asked, not breaking his gaze. 

“I’m uh.. I’m going home to make dinner for my sister.” she returned. 

“That’s a shame. I was hoping you’d let me buy you a Coke.” he said. 

Ashley smiled back at him. 

“Tell you what,” he started “what time do you get off?” 

“Seven.” she said, noticing that the people waiting in line behind him were starting to grumble.

“How about if I’m willing to wait around until seven, you let your sister wait a little longer for dinner?” 

“I...” she started, feeling rushed by the looks of a middle aged woman behind the young man flirting with her. “... guess that’d be fine.” 

“Great.” He said, still smiling. “My name’s Billy and I’ll see you at seven.” 

She finished his sale, took his money, and watched him walk confidently towards the parking lot. 

It took her a moment to regain her composure that night. She even forgot to ask the woman behind him in line if she had found everything she had needed. 

______________

Later that evening, when Ashley was walking out to her car, she half-expected Billy not to have waited around. Though to her surprise, he was waiting towards the front of the lot. She could tell he had been scanning the exiting shoppers to make sure not to miss her. 

He started his truck and slowly followed her to her car. 

“Hop in.” he said, coming to a stop in the space next to hers. 

“How about I follow you there...” she said. “That way I can get home sooner when we’re done.” 

“How about you ride with me, and I promise to have you back quicker than anything. You HAVE to ride with a boy if he’s taking you out.” he replied. 

Ashley was starting to feel that nervous rush again. She wasn’t used to feeling off-balance when talking to others. She didn’t know if she liked it or hated it. 

After some playful arguing, Billy finally managed to convince her to ride with him, promising to have her back with plenty of time to get home to cook for her sister. 

That night they went to a local diner, where he proceeded to to buy her a pop and a slice of pie (“You HAVE to eat a piece of pie if someone buys it for you!” he had said, smiling). While they sat in the nearly deserted restaurant, they talked and told each other about themselves. 

Billy had grown up in their town, but wanted to move away. He had started working when he was sixteen and never looked back. 

Ashley told him about her family, and how she had always been the one constant in her sisters life. She told Billy how she felt more like a mother than a sister, and how overwhelming it was at times. They laughed a lot as they shared crazy stories from their families. 

Ashley had never had an experience like this. Billy seemed so captivated with her. 

Before long, Ashley looked at her watch and realized that it was past time for her to head home. She knew her sister would be concerned, though thought that a story about a cute boy who had taken her out might ease some of the frustration. She told Billy that she needed to head home, and he begrudgingly accepted. 

When they got back to her store, the parking lot was nearly empty. Billy drove her to her car and insisted on her waiting while he opened her door. As she slid out of the truck, she was surprised when he leaned in for a kiss.

“I...” she started, uneasily. 

“I had a really great time talking to you tonight.” He said warmly, locking eyes with her. 

She tried to move towards her car, though he came in again. 

“Come on, I took you out for a drink and a slice of pie. Least you can do is give me a little peck! You HAVE to!” He chuckled, placing his hand on the small of her back. 

Deciding that this was what first kisses must be like for everyone, Ashley closed her eyes and gave in. He had been more forceful than she was ready for, but it was nice. She liked the way he smelled, and that his mouth tasted like the peppermint gum he'd been chewing the whole way back. 

After some cajoling, Ashley agreed to give Billy her home phone number and promised to let him take her out again sometime. 

As she drove home that evening, she found herself smiling. 

3.

Billy started to visit Ashley at work more frequently after that night. Each time, he would buy something inconsequential and then flirt with her longer than he needed to be in her line.  Occasionally the people behind him would get frustrated, and on more than one occasion her manager encouraged her to hurry up and finish the sale.

She never let the opinions of others dissuade her from finding him charming. 

Ultimately, she let him take her out a few more times before she agreed to kiss him again. Every time he had tried and told her that she HAD to for one reason or another, though she insisted that she liked seeing him try to win her over. Sometimes he was frustrated, sometimes he laughed it off. She noticed that the more she saw him, the more she liked spending time with him. 

As she got ready for their seventh date, Ashley smiled, thinking about how she was starting to become accustomed to their routine. Billy would pick her up at her house after work, and then take her somewhere fun. They went bowling. They went to the movies. One time, they even played miniature golf. 

She liked the time they were spending together, and was really growing to care for him. 

That night though, she was surprised when Billy wouldn’t tell her what he had in store. 

They started out at a local burger shop, though he was very quiet through their meal. She tried to make small talk, but was dismayed when she was met with very stoic responses. She asked him how his day had been, how work was going, and what else he had planned for the evening. The answers that he gave her were very non-committal. She tried to ask the right questions, though nothing seemed to click. 

As they left the restaurant, Ashley got a small knot in her throat when Billy turned towards the edge of town instead of back towards their usual destinations. Again, she asked him where they were going, and again he ignored her. 

Starting to grow impatient and a little uncomfortable, Ashley decided to try to guess where Billy was taking her. 

“Are we going out to the lake?” she asked to no response. 

“Are we going to see someone you know?” 

Nothing. 

She gave an awkward smile. “You’re not taking me hunting, are you?” 

Billy glanced at her and turned back towards the windshield, smiling to himself. She could tell that he was having fun keeping her in suspense. Though she was starting to become nervous, his smile did its normal job, and reaffirmed her that everything would most likely end up alright. 

They drove for roughly fifteen minutes once they got out of town. Eventually Billy turned off of the highway and drove down one back road after another. Ashley tried to pay attention to the route that they were traveling, though every landmark was new to her - and she knew she’d never remember every road they took. 

Finally, Billy made one final turn and stopped the truck. Ashley could tell that they were far from any civilization, and felt unsure of the trees surrounding their spot. 

“Well?” he asked. 

“What?” she replied, trying not to sound scared. 

He huffed. “This is the creek I told you about the first night we met. The one I used to play at when I was a kid. I wanted to bring you here so you could see it for yourself.”

Searching her memory, Ashley did recall him mentioning a creek where he and his brother had gotten into rock fights - though it didn’t stand out in her mind as a very exciting story, more like something he had mentioned quickly as they were getting to know each other. She was surprised to learn that this place had been so important to him that he wanted to take her there. 

He opened his door and came around the truck, opening hers. She got out and quickly crossed her arms, surprised at how chilly the night had gotten. 

“Let’s go down to the water.” He said excitedly as he grabbed something out from behind his seat. Ashley looked at him curiously as she watched him unfold a blanket, which he promptly wrapped around her shoulders. 

That made her feel important. 

She was happy to know that he had put thought into her needs, and done something solely so she would be more comfortable. In her mind, she kicked herself for being nervous about his intentions. 

As they walked down to the water, Billy had to hold her arm to help her keep from stumbling. The small rocks on the creek bank were uneven, and she found it hard to keep her balance. Though, he was with her every step of the way, which she liked. Above them, the moon was huge and the stars were out in droves. 

It was beautiful. 

When they got to the water’s edge, they stopped. Billy stood behind her, wrapping her in his arms.

“I’ve wanted to bring you here since the first night I saw you.” He said softly into her ear. 

She was surprised to know she could get more goosebumps than she already had. 

Then, she felt herself being turned around. 

As Billy spun her, she could hear that his breathing had sped up. He held her close to him. She welcomed his warmth. He kissed the top of her head, her forehead, then her cheeks, and ultimately her lips. His unshaved face scratched her, but she didn't mind. 

He slipped his hands under the blanket and around her waist, sticking his fingers under the bottom of her shirt. She could feel his cold hands on her side. He kissed her again. 

He pulled her closer as they kissed, and slowly slid his hands around her back, rubbing the entire way. She could feel her heart beating against him, and could feel his heart beating in response. 

He drew back from her, which made her breathe a sigh of relief. She enjoyed kissing him, but for some reason this felt different. It seemed unnatural, like playing a game she didn’t know the rules to with someone who had been practicing for weeks. He pulled the blanket off of her shoulders. 

“What are you doing? It’s freezing!” she said, exasperated. 

“Don’t worry,” he replied. “I’ll keep you warm.” He laid the blanket out across the rocks up the bank behind them, making sure to spread it evenly. Ashley could still see the bumps of the stones through the material. “Lie down.” 

She hesitated. 

She had been happy to let Billy kiss her. Though he had been her first, she had always been pleased with the experience. At sixteen, it felt right. She knew other girls her age had been kissed, and she didn’t feel as if she was rushing anything. This was different though. She knew that laying down with a boy could end very differently than simply kissing one. 

Billy, sensing her hesitation, smiled and laid himself down saying “Come on, it’s fine.” 

Still, she didn’t move. She was afraid that he would get frustrated with her, though also afraid of doing something she wasn’t ready for. Surely he'd understand if she didn’t want to go too far, she thought. 

“I think I’d rather just go on back into town if that’s ok.” she said, uneasily. 

“Well, have fun walking.” he smirked back. “If you want a ride home, you’re gonna HAVE to lay down here with me for a few.”

She knew she should have paid more attention to the roads, though even if she had - they had driven for at least twenty minutes. She knew she didn’t have a chance to make it back on her own. She was going to have to humor him. 

Relenting, she knelt down on the blanket next to him. He rolled onto his back, stretching his arm out, inviting her to cuddle up next to him. 

The rocks felt uncomfortable underneath her. 

Laying down, she looked up again. The stars were absolutely beautiful. She thought about all the times she had laid out in her back yard with her sister, waiting for shooting stars - lying to each other about ones they hadn’t seen. 

“Do you see why I wanted to bring you out here?” he asked, looking upwards as well. 

“Yeah.” she said, shivering. 

“You’re cold.” he said, rolling onto his side again. He moved his hand to her stomach, sliding it under her shirt. She flinched at his touch. 

“Billy.. I...” she started. 

“Shh, it’s fine. I’m just trying to warm you up.” he returned, calmly. 

She could feel his hand starting to warm on her flesh, though she felt scared at the circle he rubbed as he pet her. With each revolution, he inched closer and closer to her chest. She tensed, thinking about how this was completely unfamiliar territory. 

Eventually, he placed his hand on her breast and didn’t slow when she tried to pull away. He seemed to move with her. 

“I don’t think I want that.” she said, hearing the fear in her voice.

“You wouldn’t have laid down here with me if you didn’t.” he said, pulling his face close to hers. 

He tucked his fingers under her bra and pulled it down. After fondling her for a few seconds, he moved his hands back down her waist. She was happy that he seemed to be done. Though, she panicked as he moved to her jeans. 

She found herself unable to speak as he ungracefully unfastened the buttons. Instinctively though, she nervously raised her hips as he slid them down over her legs, pulling them off after he removed her shoes. She felt her heart beating uncontrollably as her panties followed. 

She wondered if this was normal. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Perhaps it was usual for the first time to be scary. It wasn’t anything like she had pictured, though so many other things in her life hadn’t been either. 

It was over in five minutes. 

Billy had taken his pants off, climbed on top of her, kissed her on the mouth, and then put himself inside of her. She had always believed that her first time would be sensual and romantic. She hadn’t been prepared for the pain. As he ground on top of her, she fought to keep from crying from the stretching feeling in her crotch and the rocks in her back. She prayed that it would end soon, and thankfully it did. 

He climbed off, wiped himself off with his boxers, and then stood to redress. As she lay there, replaying the last few moments in her head, she was surprised at how distant she felt from him. He had made love to her, and then didn’t even look her in the eyes before getting back up. She pulled her pants back over her freezing legs and then waited, silently. 

“Better head back.” he said, brushing the backs of his legs off. Then adding “Man, it’s cold out here.” 

The drive back had been a silent one. As they got back into town, she wondered if he would take her to a movie now, but for some reason wasn’t entirely surprised when he pulled back into her neighborhood. Unlike normal, he didn’t offer to open her door or walk her up the drive. He leaned over and kissed her as she started to exit the truck, and then reversed out of the driveway before she had a chance to make it to the door. 

Once inside, she stopped before going any further into her house. Thoughts swirled through her head as she recounted the night’s events. There she was, sixteen years old, and she had just lost her virginity. It wasn’t until she was furiously trying to wash the blood from her underwear later that evening that it hit her:

She was in love. 

4.

Five weeks passed after that, and during that time they went on a few more similar dates. It wasn’t always the creek. Sometimes it was out to the country, where they made love in the bed of his truck. Once, it was behind the movie theater in the cab. 

She had been so excited to meet the man who swept her off of her feet that she neglected to keep track of her regular life. Her grades were slipping, she was calling in sick to work when she felt absolutely fine. Billy was starting to become the main focal point of her life. 

Then, she realized that she had missed her period. She had missed her period by two weeks. 

In her excitement about this new phase of her life, she hadn’t contemplated the long-term effects of being sexually active. She knew she couldn’t talk to her sister or mother about this and her dad was gone too often to care.

For the first time since she met Billy, she felt alone. 

The night after she realized, she discretely sold herself a pregnancy test at work. The three minutes she waited for her results in the bathroom seemed like the longest duration of time in her entire life. She thought about her school. She thought about her future. She thought about the fact that she was sixteen, unmarried, and staring at a piece of plastic in a grocery store bathroom that she had just peed on. 

When the second line came into view, indicating that she was in fact pregnant, she felt like throwing up. There would be no denying it. 

She finished her shift (though she barely tracked anything that happened, which her manager noticed) and drove home in absolute silence. Her father was out on the road and her mother was at work. She hurriedly made some macaroni and cheese for her sister and then retreated to her room where she picked up and re-cradled the phone at least fifteen times. 

She knew she had to tell Billy, she just didn’t know what words to use. Finally, she worked up the courage and dialed his number. 

“Hello?” he said on the other end of the line. She could tell she had woken him up. 

“Hey, what are you doing right now?” she asked, hearing the nerves in her own voice. 

“Just laying around. What’s going on?” he replied. 

“I.. I need to talk to you. Can you come pick me up?”

“Now? I hadn’t planned on getting back out tonight.” 

“It’s.. its important. Please just come get me.” 

“I’ll come see you tomorrow night. We can talk then.” 

She was starting to become frustrated. She didn’t like having to try to convince him to simply come get her. Her mind was swimming with thoughts, and she needed clarity. 

“Billy, I’m pregnant. I really want to talk to you.” 

The line went dead. 

Thirty minutes later, she heard the familiar sound of his truck in her driveway, though he didn’t bother to come up to ring the doorbell. As she started to put her shoes back on, she was startled to hear the loud honk of his horn from outside. She could tell he was impatiently waiting for her and she ended up leaving with one shoe left untied. 

When she got into the truck, he didn’t say a word to her. As he pulled out of her neighborhood, she noticed an unfamiliar smell on him. He had been drinking.  

“You smell like alcohol.” she said, buckling her seatbelt. 

“I told you I didn’t want to get back out tonight. Did you ever think I might have a reason why?” he asked, spitefully. 

She didn’t answer. She stared forward, nervously wondering where he was going for them to talk. 

The drive wasn’t long. Faster than she felt safe, Billy drove to a school just over a mile from her house. This late in the evening, the parking lot was entirely deserted. He parked crooked in a space, shut the engine off, and unbuckled - turning to look at her. 

“You wanted to talk. Talk.” he said, showing a temper she wasn’t familiar with. 

“I missed my period Billy. I was supposed to start it two weeks ago...” she started. 

“Ok, you missed your period. That doesn’t mean you’re pregnant.” he interrupted. 

“No, I missed my period, and then I took a pregnancy test at work tonight... It was positive.” she replied. She could hear his breathing becoming heavy. He seemed to be looking through her. She felt as if she had done something wrong. 

“Who knows?” he asked. 

“Nobody, you’re the only person I’ve told.” she said, her voice wavering. 

He started to raise his voice. “I don’t see how you could be pregnant. I only came in you once. The other times I pulled out. Are you fucking someone else?” 

She was staggered by his question. He was the only boy she had ever kissed, let alone the only boy she had ever had sex with. She felt offended and defensive that he would even think to ask such a thing.

“Well, are you?” he continued. 

“No!” she stammered. “I’ve only slept with you. Ever!” She could smell his breath, stronger now. It made her uncomfortable. 

He stared at her. She was scared of the look in his eyes. She had never seen it from him, and she hated that it was her actions that caused him to have it. He turned to face the front again, she noticed that his hands were balled into fists in his lap. 

“What are we going to do?” she asked, immediately regretting her question. 

Billy turned to stare at her for a moment, and then quickly opened his door, exiting the truck. He slammed the door, and she could hear him cursing. For a brief moment, she was scared that he was coming to get her, though he stayed on his side. 

She sat silently in the truck while he stomped around outside. She heard numerous hateful things come out of his mouth, as she felt tears well up in her eyes. She didn’t like this side of him. 

Suddenly, his door was open again, though he didn’t climb back in. 

“You did this because you want me to marry you, didn’t you?” he asked, breathing heavily from his exertion.

“What? No.” she replied, surprised at his boldness. 

“Of course you did.” he went on. “You think you’ve fucking got me now, don’t you? You’re probably happy that I’m going to be tied to this god damned town for the rest of my life, aren’t you, you stupid bitch...” 

She couldn’t believe the way he was acting. The tears that had previously welled in her eyes flowed freely now. Through her sobs she tried to convince him that she was as surprised as he was, that she loved him, and that she was scared and didn’t know what to do. She tried to tell herself that his reaction was out of shock, and that he didn’t mean the things that he was saying. 

He retreated from his door again and began kicking the side of his truck. With every impact, she flinched - scared that he might do something to her, scared that someone from the neighborhood would hear the noise he was making. 

“Billy, please just get back in. You’re scaring me. I don’t know what to do.” she pleaded. 

He stopped kicking his truck and stared at her with a sudden clearness in his expression. He got back in and shut his door. “I’ll bet you know exactly what to do...” he muttered, and started the engine. 

The drive back to her place was absolutely silent. 

Ashley didn’t hear from Billy for three days after that night. Those were the three longest days she had ever experienced. She went to school, went to work, and then immediately went home every day. At school, she kept to herself. At work, she became robotic in her motions. At home, she isolated herself in her bedroom - lost in her thoughts. 

When Billy finally called, she had almost given up hope that she’d talk to him again. She had been sitting on her bed, trying to convince herself to go back to the kitchen to force herself to eat when the phone rang. She picked it up without thinking. 

“Hello?” she asked. 

“I’m sorry.” he said. 

5.

The next few weeks went by in a blur. Billy had apologized profusely, and explained that he had been convinced by a friend of his to have a few drinks after work. He shared with her that he had snapped out of fear, and said things that he truly didn’t mean. He told her how much he loved her, and how that no matter how crazy things might get, that he’d be there with her through thick and thin. 

After waiting for her father to return home from a job, together they told her parents. He was there to hold her hand through the entire process, though her parents seemed to take the news better than she had anticipated. They were concerned about her finishing school, but told them how the fact that Billy had a steady job more than helped to ease their mind. 

One week after that, Billy proposed. With the night at the school parking lot far in her memory, Ashley accepted with tears in her eyes. 

They set a date five months before the baby was to be born, and Billy moved out of his apartment and bought a small trailer on the outside of town. On moving in, Ashley knew it wasn’t the home she had always thought she’d live in after her parents place, but it was a place that she and Billy could call their own. 

Even though she was a pregnant high school student with a grocery store job, Ashley was happy with her life. She had a fiancé who adored her, supportive parents, and the promise of her very own family - which she couldn’t wait to start. She felt as if her life was nearing her own form of perfection. 

Then, Billy had his bachelor party. 

______________

Being both sixteen and pregnant, Ashley had opted to not have a bachelorette party. Billy had convinced her that bachelorette parties were for girls who felt like they needed to have one wild night out because they were getting tied down. When she asked him why he wanted to have a bachelor party, he insisted that it was expected, and that his friends wouldn’t let him talk his way out of it. 

So, she stayed in while he went out with his buddies. He had promised her that he’d go out for some food, then to a coworker’s place for a few drinks and some cards. He promised that he’d be home before too late, and that they’d spend some time together when he got in. 

By eleven, she decided to call him. She was surprised to hear loud music and women’s voices in the background. 

“Billy?” she asked, though he didn’t answer. 

“It’s me, I was just seeing what time you thought you’d be home...” she shouted, hoping to hear some form of response, though nothing came. 

She called at midnight, one, and then again at one thirty - though after the first time, his phone never even picked up. Starting to worry, she called again at two. She was surprised when a woman answered the phone. 

“Hello?” the woman asked, Ashley noticed that there was no loud music in the background this time. 

“Is Billy there?” she asked.

“No, he’s asleep. Who is this?” the voice replied. 

“This is his fiancé, Ashley.” she said, trying to keep her composure. “Is he alright? Where is he?” 

There was a long pause. 

“He didn’t say he was getting married...” said the voice on the other end of the phone, and quickly the call ended. 

Ashley tried to call back multiple times, though the phone went to voicemail every time after that. Whoever she had been talking to had apparently turned off Billy’s phone. 

Ashley lay in bed crying for most of the night, trying to stop invading thoughts that Billy had been with another woman. She couldn’t stop picturing him out there, with someone else. She was scared, hurt, and frustrated - but she was pregnant and alone. There was nothing she could do. 

He came home the next day, heading to the shower before he even acknowledged her presence. Other than complaining about his headache, he never mentioned the events of the night prior. Ashley tried on more than one occasion to ask what had happened, and who the woman had been, but she never found the words. Truthfully, she was scared of the answer, though she doubted he’d give it freely. 

She resigned to tell herself that she had an overactive imagination, and that she was seeing signs that clearly weren’t there. This was Billy, she told herself. They had their entire lives ahead of them, and she didn’t want to be the reason they started out with a limp. 

She swallowed her feelings and tried to push her fears as deep inside of her mind as they would go. She promised to try harder to be a better partner. 

She knew that if she wanted a good husband and a happy life that she’d have to try harder than she apparently had been. 

6.

After the wedding, things didn’t get much better. Billy worked long hours and often came home smelling of alcohol. Ashley was surprised how quickly her prince turned into something else. He seemed evasive and quiet when he was around her. Occasionally he’d kiss her on the cheek on the way out the door, though their sex life had completely disappeared. Billy insisted that it wasn’t right for them to be intimate while she was pregnant. He said that it would make him feel dirty, and she had understood. 

Outside of the house, her grades at school continued to slip and she noticed she was getting fewer and fewer hours on the schedule at work. When she mentioned this to Billy, he’d often encourage her to drop out and to quit. He insisted that he made enough money to support her, and told her that she’d be a better mother if she didn’t have any distractions after the baby came. 

Her parents had returned to their regular lives, and so with nobody to discuss the matter with other than Billy, she eventually gave in. 

Occasionally, her sister would try to call - though when he was home, Billy didn’t like this because he said that their phone plan was more for emergencies and necessities only. He didn’t like people who talked on the phone when there wasn’t anything important to say, explaining to Ashley that it was wasteful, and a little selfish. 

She missed talking to her sister, but in a way she saw his point. She never talked about anything of substance during their phone calls, and since nothing important was ever discussed, it really was pretty much wasted time. 

With no school to go to and no job to keep her busy, her life became somewhat boring. At six months pregnant, she found herself limited in her activities. During the day, she’d watch tv, do laundry, and tidy up the trailer. At night, she’d cook Billy dinner and try to keep him company or stay out of his way as he did whatever he did around the house.

One day, a few hours after Billy had left for work, she noticed that her body was more sore than normal. Surprisingly, she had adjusted to her body being pregnant easier than she had expected to - so when she started noticing intense pains, she was concerned. 

Resigning to spend most of the day in bed watching television, she took a few tylenol and laid down. 

Two hours later, she woke up with shooting pains through her whole body. When she pulled back the covers, she was horrified to see that the mattress was covered in blood. 

Panicking, she rushed for the phone and tried to call Billy, though he didn’t answer. She tried three more times with no luck. Hurting and scared, she did the only thing she knew to do: she called an ambulance. 

At the hospital, the doctors and nurses buzzed around her, ignoring her pleading questions. Eventually, she was finally told that her body had spontaneously aborted the baby, and that a procedure would have to be performed to remove the fetus from her body. 

Thankfully, one of the staff was able to get ahold of Billy and he left work to rush to the hospital. He held her hand as she cried and told her that everything would be alright. He kissed her forehead and went as far as he could with her as she was wheeled to the delivery room where she would be given medicine to help her body pass the baby. 

She cried through the whole experience, wishing more than anything he could be with her. She felt alone. She felt like a failure. 

She felt like nothing would ever be alright again. 

______________

That night, the drive home was silent. 

When they got to the trailer, Billy got out of the truck and went inside while Ashley sat motionless. Her mind was a blur from the events of the afternoon and the pain medicine that she had been given. Eventually, she hobbled to the front door and went inside. 

When she went in, Billy was sitting in his usual chair, watching television. She hadn’t made it further than the kitchen before he turned to face her. 

“What’s for dinner?” he asked. 

“I... I didn’t cook anything.” she replied, taken aback that he would ask such a thing. 

“Are you kidding me?” he went on. “After all you did today, you’d think that’s the least you could do to make things right.” 

She had trouble finding the words to say back. She felt tears welling up in her eyes. 

“Seriously? You’re going to cry now?” he said, raising his voice. “I have to cook my own dinner AND put up with this bullshit?” 

Maybe it was the pain pills. Maybe it was the trauma from the afternoon. For whatever reason, Ashley broke down. With her weakened frame leaned back against the kitchen counter, she began to bawl. Through her wet eyes, she saw Billy rise from his chair and move towards her. She knew he didn’t mean what he had said. She knew he had had a rough afternoon too, and that he dealt with sadness differently than she did. 

She was happy that he was coming to comfort her. 

Only, he didn’t. 

Instead of wrapping his arms around her or wiping the tears from her face, he slapped her - with a force that knocked her to the ground. She looked back up at him, completely stunned. 

“Do you think I’m stupid?” he asked. 

Wha.. what?” she choked. 

“We only got married because you convinced everyone that I knocked you up. Now, you just happen to lose the baby? Pretty fucking convenient.” he shouted, kicking her in the leg. 

She recoiled, starting to cry more - though he pursued her. 

He lifted her off of the ground, and threw her into the refrigerator. She heard things topple off of the top. 

“I’m sorry! Please stop!” she pleaded, though he kept on. He slapped her again, nearly knocking her down a second time. 

That night, Billy beat her for nearly half an hour. She begged with him to stop, apologizing profusely, though he didn’t seem to hear her. He kept asking if she was happy, telling him that she had brought this on herself, and accusing her of things she had never even considered. 

When he finished, he stormed out of the house and she heard his truck tear out of the driveway. She lay on the floor, a sobbing mess. She could taste blood in her mouth, and the pain killers that she had taken at the hospital had long worn off. 

Slowly, she dragged herself to the bedroom and crumpled into their bed. She hurt both emotionally and physically, but more than anything, she was embarrassed. 

She hated herself for making him ever think that she hadn’t loved him sincerely. 

______________

Billy stayed gone for three days after that night. As time went on, she worried more and more that he would never come home. 

Feeling like a prisoner in her own home, she tried to continue with life as usual. She did laundry, cleaned, and cooked dinner every night in the hope that he’d come home after work to eat it with her. 

Eventually, when he did show back up, she was so relieved to still have a husband that she fell all over him, kissing him everywhere he would let her and showering him with apologies. To her surprise, he did the same. 

As they held each other in the kitchen, he begged for her forgiveness and told her how much he had beat himself up over what he had done. He explained that he had been so excited to start a family with her, and that when she lost their baby, he felt as if a part of him had died. He told her that she HAD to see things from his point of view, and swore that he would never lose control again. 

She consoled him as best she could, and when they pulled apart from their initial embrace, she ran to the bathroom to make herself look better for him. 

After putting on makeup and perfume, she rejoined him in the kitchen where they ate the dinner she had prepared, occasionally stopping to stare at one another, or to say reaffirm how in love they were. 

When they finished dinner, Billy led her to the bedroom and made love to her again. Ashley never let on that it hurt, and focused on not letting him see her cry. Truthfully, she was happy to have her husband back. She knew that they had bumps to smooth over, but she felt complete again. 

It was nearly two months before he beat her again. 

7.

Eventually, they fell into a sort of cycle. She’d mess up in some way that he found unforgivable and he would attack her. He’d apologize, and then spend a week or two treating her like a princess. 

Ultimately, she’d notice a shift in his behavior or attitude, and start to watch herself closely, worried that any little thing might cause him to blow up. Inevitably, he would. Somehow, he always found a way to relate it back to something she had said or done - though the longer this went on, the more she started to wonder if she was capable of not making him hurt her. 

She continued to fall out of touch with her family, and unknowingly started to limit how often she left the house. She tried to keep things as clean as she humanly could, and catered to his every whim when he was around. 

When they made love, it felt distant. He would lead her to the bedroom when he felt the urge and would climb on top of her or bend her over the bed. It only lasted until he was finished, and then he would typically busy himself with something elsewhere in the trailer. 

Occasionally he’d leave for days at a time, always coming home in the same clothes he left in. Once, she’d seen him put condoms in his glove box and fought the urge to ask him if he was cheating on her. 

Two years had passed since their wedding, and her life completely revolved around Billy. She felt like a child again, trying to prove her worth at every turn. 

One night, he came home from work and told her that they would be moving. He had found out about a pipeline job three states away, and he excitedly told her that they’d be able to afford a house and a much nicer life. She sat quiet as he told her how different things would be, and then smiled when he seemed irritated at her lack of a response. 

The move was relatively painless. Three of Billy’s friends from work had come to help them load heavy items, though he left most of the packing to her. She cried silently to herself as she followed the rented moving van in his truck. She was slightly optimistic that things might actually get better, though she felt like she was losing a part of herself as she travelled further and further away from her home. 

Halfway there, she was shocked to realize that she hadn’t even told her family she was moving. 

8.

Life in their new home was different, though she found herself unsurprised that different didn’t necessarily mean better. 

Their new place was at least twice the size of the trailer, though she quickly learned that this equated to more rooms for her to clean, and more places for him to avoid her when he wanted to. Their new two bedroom house had room enough for Billy to make a “man cave” where he put their only television, and a small mini fridge that he worked diligently to keep stocked with beer and the occasional bottle of whiskey.

Ashley felt herself becoming a shell of what she once was. She still tried to please her husband, though she knew a part of her spirit had died long before. She cried most days when he went to work, and wore a fake smile at night when he was around. 

When he wasn’t beating her, he truly could be sweet, though she had long lost hope that the sweet parts of this dance would last. She knew that he would always go back to searching for mistakes, and that she would always end up on the floor. She learned to take a punch, and taught herself that if she acted more hurt than she was, he’d let up sooner than if she acted tough. 

She had almost accepted her life for what it was, telling herself that the few high points she did get were enough to get her through the lows. 

That was, until she woke up one morning to realize that she had missed her period again. 

______________

The next day, while Billy was at work, Ashley walked to a nearby convenience store. She bought a pregnancy test and returned home, hands shaking the entire way. As she waited for the results in the bathroom, she lost herself in a multitude of “what if”s and “please God”s. 

When the second line showed up, she felt her knees go weak as she crumpled on the bathroom floor. 

The first time she had been pregnant, she was scared that people would think less of her, and feared what would happen to her if others found out. Now, all she could think of was the nightmare that she would be bringing an innocent child into. 

Pulling her knees to her chest, she rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor, crying. She knew that Billy would find a way to blame her for getting pregnant. 

Part of her wondered if he would be happy to have the prospect of a family again, though part of her was terrified that he would beat her for this, too. 

She stopped crying, coming to a sudden horrible realization: If he hit her now, there was the risk that the baby would suffer for her mistakes. 

Sitting completely still, she felt her heart rate start to rise. 

She worked scenario after scenario over in her mind, and knew that there was no possible future that didn’t ultimately lead to her getting hit. She thought about telling him the second he got home, hoping that he would lean more towards happy than frustrated - though she decided against it. 

She thought about not telling him at all and acting as surprised as he was when she started to show signs - but told herself that if he did hurt her that far in, that the baby would be even more developed, and possibly hurt even worse. 

The more she thought, the angrier she got. It wasn’t fair that she was in this position in the first place. She knew she had made mistakes along the way, though she had tried to be the best person she could be. She hated how hard life had become, and felt trapped in the situation she was in. There was no hypothetical future that she could come up with that didn’t end up with her baby getting hurt - either before or after being born. 

Without realizing, she had stopped rocking. 

She knew that something had to be done. 

9.

It took three weeks for Ashley to decide what she was going to do. She had weighed every option she came up with evenly, though knew that she had to be careful, now that she was living for two. 

She thought about telling Billy that she wanted a divorce, though she knew how that would end. He would beat her mercilessly, possibly worse than ever before. 

She thought about going to a shelter or finding a way back to her parents, though she knew that it would only be a matter of time before he caught up with her again - especially if he found out that she was having his child. 

She thought about one plan after another, about how he legally had a right to their child, and about how that no matter what idea she tried to sell herself, it always worked to a dark conclusion. 

It took three weeks for Ashley to decide what she was going to do. It took three weeks for her to realize that the only solution to the problem that didn’t potentially threaten her child, was for Billy to die. 

______________

As it turned out, all of the free time during the days when Billy was at work gave her ample time to formulate all sorts of plans, once she set her mind to it. She thought about all the time she had wasted working her way slowly through the house, routinely cleaning one thing after another. She thought about the years of her life that she had wasted as she robotically tried to please someone who was impossible to please.

She knew that she didn’t have the stomach to actually outright murder Billy, and  reminded herself early on that anything that caused her to look guilty would end with her losing her baby in a different way. 

She thought of every way she could think of that would cause his death to look like an accident, daydreaming as she did laundry and cooked his dinner. She thought about him dying while he slept next to her. She thought about him being gone when they made love. She continued to go through all the motions of the loving wife, though deep down she couldn’t have been further away from him. 

Surprisingly, she realized that she had been so unresponsive for so long, that he didn’t even seem to notice how distant she had become. 

One month had passed from the day she decided what she needed to do, and she knew that their cycle was coming close to repeating itself. It wouldn’t be long before he would find some arbitrary slight that she had committed, and then he would unleash hell on her as he always did. 

She watched him closely, making sure to give him as little ammunition as possible. She watched him every night of the week. She watched him as he came home from work and ate her dinner. She watched him as he took his nightly shower and drank his nightly beers. 

Then, out of nowhere one Friday night it hit her. The only accident that would truly look believable was one that Billy had caused. Ashley realized that the only sure way for him to die, leaving her to appear completely innocent was for him to kill himself. 

Billy was going to have to die by his own hand - and she knew exactly how to make that happen. 

10.

The next week went by painfully slowly. 

Ashley had known for some time that Billy liked to drink every night of the week. Though, she never really considered how much more he drank on weekends. Sometimes after he had drunkenly beat her, he liked to explain that the weekends were the only time he could really let off steam. 

Subconsciously she had learned a long time ago to avoid him on Friday and Saturday nights. Now that she was watching his behaviors closely, trying to find her opening, it became painfully obvious. 

Ashley bided her time throughout the week, being as cautious as she possibly could not to incite his wrath. Once, she had come close when she tried to put the food away before he was finished eating, though she apologized profusely and told him that she was excited to give him the dessert she had made that day. 

That Friday while he was at work, after checking Billy’s mini-fridge, Ashley took money from his dresser and walked three miles to the nearest liquor store. She bought two pints of his favorite whiskey and returned home with time to shower and dry her hair before he got home. She wasn’t entirely sure that he would notice how sweaty she was from her walk, though she didn’t want to risk it. 

When he got home, she had his favorite meal cooked (pork roast, mashed potatoes, and green beans cooked with bacon), and had a beer at the table ready for him on the table. 

She listened to him gripe about work as they ate, giving the occasional nod or empathetic response. She made sure to bring him a new beer the second she noticed his can starting to empty and by the end of their meal, he was three beers into the night already. 

After dinner, he retreated to his man cave, where he unfastened his pants and sank into his recliner. She heard him pop another beer, and mumble about the whiskey he hadn’t expected to still have in his fridge. She froze, worried that he’d ask her where it came from - though breathed a sigh of relief when no questions came. 

With baited breath, she waited near enough to the bedroom that she heard him open four more beers before finally unscrewing the bottle of whiskey. The volume on his television started to increase, which told her that he was starting to become drunk. 

Making sure to find small chores around the bedroom door, she glanced in time and again, seeing him taking large drinks from his whiskey bottle. 

When she heard him put the bottle back, she knew she had to make her move. 

______________

Entering his room, she held her breath as she watched his body begin to turn. She had never come into his man cave while he was drinking, and the anger she feared she would see in him was (for the time being) replaced with confusion. 

“What do you want?” he asked her, squinting one eye as he glared at her. 

“I was just surprised to hear you put your bottle back in the fridge.” she said, unblinking. 

He turned to look at the fridge, and then back at her. She could feel her heart beating in her chest. 

“What’s it to you?” he returned. 

She swallowed hard. “Nothing really, I was just surprised when I realized you can’t drink as much as you used to...” she said, praying she sounded more confident than she felt. 

She saw a flash in his eyes. 

“The f.. the fuck you say to me?” he asked, starting to stir in his seat. 

“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings honey, honestly.” she started. “I just thought when we were younger you could drink a lot more than that. I don’t remember you ever putting a bottle back before.” 

He stared at her, mouth slightly cocked. She didn’t know if it was the alcohol he had already drank, or her newfound cavalier attitude, but she could tell that he was caught off-guard. 

“You don’t think I can hold my liquor?” he asked staring through her, fists clenched. 

She took a deep breath. “No. I don’t. I think you took a few drinks and now you need to go to sleep.” 

He started to get up. She could tell that he was slightly intoxicated, though she reminded herself that he was still capable of hurting her greatly. 

“Are you going to hit me because you’re mad,” she went on, “or because I’m right? If you think you’re a real man, finish your drink before you do what you’re about to do.” She was starting to surprise herself, though a part of her was terrified that her plan might backfire. 

Billy stared at her, half furious, half confused. Without saying a word he flung the fridge opened and grabbed the nearly empty bottle he had just returned. He spun the lid off, downed the remnants, and tossed the bottle into his chair. 

“What you think about that, you cocky bitch?” he asked slurring, as he started to move around his chair. 

“There’s another bottle and a few more beers in there, isn’t there?” she said, stopping him in his tracks. 

He turned back towards the open fridge. Without a word, he grabbed a beer and tore it open, saying “You’re gonna be.. fucking sorry.” 

He downed the first beer with relative ease, and had to stop for a breath halfway through the second. By the third, she could tell that he was fighting back what was possibly vomit, but more than likely a burp. 

He threw the third can onto his recliner where it clattered against the first two and empty whiskey bottle. Unflinching, he reached into the fridge and grabbed the bottle. 

“I really... don’t remember buying this much.” he said, as he focused to remove the cap. 

Ashley watched eagerly as he upended the bottle, stopping once to retch before finishing it off. When he finished, she could tell that some of the fire had left him. He seemed more preoccupied with the cheap alcohol mixing in his undoubtedly upset stomach. He staggered, and then pushed past her as he walked to the bathroom, mumbling “I’ll deal with you in a minute...” 

She was afraid that he might throw up once he was in the bathroom, but felt herself calm again when she heard him starting to pee. 

She grabbed her jacket and threw it on, telling herself that she only had one opportunity. She knew that if she didn’t act, when he left the bathroom there was the very real chance that he would remember why he had gone in there in the first place, and then she’d be in trouble. 

She banged on the door, yelled “Hey asshole, I meant to tell you... I’ve got a boyfriend who lives a few miles from here... I think I’m going to go fuck him!” 

And with that, she bolted. 

11.

As the cold night air hit her face, she heard a roar from the bathroom. She knew she only had seconds as he fumbled with his pants before he would tear after her. She leapt off the porch, turned to run towards their back yard, and sprinted as fast as her legs would carry her.  

She could still hear him banging around inside as he worked his way to the front door. She was already behind the house when she heard the door fly open, hitting against the outside wall. She dove to the ground, knowing full well that he had no idea where she was. 

Not noticing the wetness of the grass, she inched towards the crawl space entrance behind their home. She had scouted the spot earlier that day before walking to the liquor store. She knew that the panel guarding it would come off easily, and that she could fit underneath with very little effort. 

“Come back here, you bitch!” she heard him yell from the front yard. 

She tore the cover off and scrambled through the hole leading under their house. She wasn’t sure if he’d be smart enough to check around the entire yard before going to look elsewhere, but she knew she didn’t couldn’t risk anything. Putting the cover back as soon as she was safely inside, she listened silently, trying to slow her racing heart. 

Billy continued to scream from the front of the house. He called her every name she had ever been called, in more combinations than she was used to hearing. Eventually, he worked his way around to the back, though she felt the tension leave her body as he passed the crawl space without giving it a second thought. 

If he was sober, she knew that there would have been a chance he would have found her. Thankfully, she knew he was drunk enough that her hiding would most likely not even enter into his mind. She had never used the word “fuck” in front of him, and she knew that the only thought on his mind was her “fucking” someone that wasn’t him. 

She listened as she heard his truck door open. The engine turned, and she heard him tear out of the driveway. She knew that she hadn’t given him enough information to know where to search for her, so she counted on his drunken rage to pull him away from their neighborhood. 

After what felt like an eternity there in the pitch black under the house, she slowly crawled back out into the grass. Putting the cover back over the hole, she stood and brushed off the front side of her body. 

Carefully, she worked her way back around to the front yard, then when she didn’t see any trace of him down their block, she went back into the house. She prayed that her plan would work, though she knew that even if it didn’t, the entire neighborhood had just heard him yell in more ways than she could count how he was going to beat her within an inch of her life. 

Stopping by the kitchen on the way to her bedroom, she grabbed a butcher knife out of the block on the counter. 

She locked herself in the bedroom and waited. 

When the phone rang at 3:14, she was startled from her thoughts. Her body had gone through too much that night to allow her to fall asleep, but she had still lost herself in the haze of potential scenarios that still stretched out across the rest of her night. 

She knew that his truck hadn’t come back, and feared that he may have stopped somewhere for the night - staying awake long enough to call and threaten her as to what he would do when he came home tomorrow. 

“Hello?” she asked shakily into the phone. 

The voice on the other end wasn’t Billy, but instead belonged to a calm sounding man who took time to enunciate every word when he said “Ma’am, this is the highway patrol. I’m sorry if I woke you, but there’s been an accident.” 

Pulling the phone away from her face, Ashley smiled. Her plan had worked. 

______________

The next week went by in a blur. Billy had drunkenly crashed his truck two miles from their home. Somewhere on his hunt for her, he had gone straight when he should have turned. His truck had shot off the road, over a ditch, and smashed into an embankment on the other side. 

The officers tried to console her by letting her know that he had died on impact, though it made very little difference to her. She had been prepared to explain to them how he had gone mad that night after an argument, though they never asked. Apparently after his drunken shouting in their neighborhood, more than one call had been placed to the local police. 

Ashley went through the motions of playing the grieving widow, though all the while she felt happier than she had in years. She knew her carefree time was limited though, because without him to pay the mortgage, eventually they would default on their home loan and she would find herself homeless. 

She toyed with the ideas of shelters and other community resources for single mothers, though it had been a long time since she made any large decisions on her own, so she waited - telling herself that she’d know what to do when the time was right. 

Eventually, she received a phone call from Billy’s employer. He had never mentioned it to her, but upon his death, his next of kin was to receive double his yearly salary in life insurance. 

12.

Since Billy had always handled the finances, Ashley found herself with a new set of fears as she, with shaking voice, scheduled an appointment to meet to discuss dollar amounts and payment. 

On the cab ride to the office, she thought about all of the things she could do with a large sum of money. She knew it would most likely be more than enough to pay the house off, and to take care of her while she got back on her feet and found work. 

She thought about putting money back for the baby’s college, and about what life might be like if she had complete control over her family’s spending. 

When she arrived, she was greeted by a young man from Billy’s company as he ushered her into his office. He gave her his condolences on her loss and tried to sound as comforting as he could without seeming patronizing. He offered Ashley a drink of water, which she declined, and scooted his chair closer to the desk as she sat down in his nice leather seat. 

He opened a folder with Billy’s name on it. 

“ As you know, upon an employee’s death, it is company policy to provide up to double their salary in life insurance.” he started. 

“Honestly, I had no idea.” Ashley said in return, worrying that she might sound dishonest, even though she really was telling the truth. 

“Yes. Since your husband was making a salary of fifty two thousand per year, you will receive a sum of just over one hundred and two thousand. It will come in a check, made payable to you, within the next one to two months.”

Ashley swallowed, not taking her eyes off of the man. He smiled at her. 

She thought about her home, her child, and her future. She had never known much about money, though one hundred and two thousand sounded like an astronomical number.

She started to daydream about things that she might spend the money on when she was interrupted. 

“It must be nice, knowing that your husband can still take care of you.” the young man said, staring cheerfully back at her. 

Ashley stopped daydreaming. She felt her breath catch in her throat. 

Billy had never taken care of her. Is that what people would think? Would she come off as some poor widow who had lucked out just because her husband cared enough about her to think ahead?

“Excuse me?” she asked. 

“I said it must be nice, knowing that your husband loved you enough to take care of you on the chance that something happened to him.” he repeated. “He must have been a really great guy to make sure that you would be alright.” 

Deep down, she knew that he was trying to comfort her, though the words felt like small knives. Every nice word he said about Billy made her feel slightly nauseous. She looked at her lap, frowned, and then looked back at him. 

“I can’t take the money.” she said, shocked to hear the words leave her mouth. 

“I’m sorry?” he said, surprised. 

“I can’t take the money. I don’t want it. You can keep it. I’m going to leave.” she went on, starting to rise. 

“Ma’am, I’m afraid you may have misunderstood me. This money is life insurance you’re getting because your husband’s job came with a policy that upon his death, his surviving family would receive twice his salary. There are absolutely no strings attached.” 

“No, I understand just fine. I don’t want the money.” she said, straightening her pant legs as she stood in front of the comfortable leather chair she had just left. 

“But.. It’s yours. You HAVE to take the money.” he said, dumbstruck. 

Ashley’s mind flooded with memories of Billy telling her that she “HAD” to do things for him. She had to go on their first date. She had to kiss him. She had to lose her virginity to him. She had to marry him, move in with him, and leave her family. 

She was done.

Picking up her purse from the chair, she looked into the young man’s eyes. 

“I don’t HAVE to do anything I don’t want to ever again.” 

She turned and left the office. 

______________

When the dust finally settled, Ashley had closed out their joint bank account. The teller seemed slightly suspicious when she told him what business she wanted to do that day, though she told herself that was mostly likely because she had never even set foot in the bank before. With Billy handling every cent the family owned, she had even had to look up the banks address before she went in that day. 

With the money she got from the account, she had been able to pay one month’s mortgage and buy an older used car from an ad in the paper. She had a small amount of money to spare after that, though she knew she would need to use it sparingly. She had thought long and hard on where she would go from there. 

She had a big trip ahead of her. 

______________

As Ashley returned the gas nozzle, she stretched again. Taking a drink, she decided it was time to head on. She got in her little yellow car, situated, turned the key, and left the gas station. 

She had come so far already, but she still had a few miles to go. 

She couldn’t wait to see her sister and parents again.